on a lighter note . . .

golf. Ahh the joys of golf. Yesterday I walked a couple holes by myself. I put Radiohead on my Ipod and totally tuned into my game. I was having a "good day" and was pleased (duh!). So I continue to the tenth tee box. Mind you, this is the view from my err . . .office, resorting to many great laughs. I hit a great drive leaving me a great lie about 150 yards out. There used to be a tree directly between where I am now and the middle of the green. Thank you to the recent windy storm, that tree no longer stands which makes this hole remarkably easier. So I aim for the middle of the green and hit my 5 wood and. . . I have to yell "Fore" to the foursome of men on the 11th tee box. I totally sliced it. They all wave their arms to try to cover their heads, I didn't even see my ball land. So trying to look cool I drop another ball and hit again leaving me 10 feet short of the green about 100 feet from the hole. Golf is a bitch. And that is why I love it. Just when you think you got something going on, you will be humbled to the extreme.

If only Jim Nanze could have been there to see it!

good dirt

I planted tulip bulbs yesterday. I ripped out plants that have slowly deceased over the (2) winter months (we have here in California). Plants that have slowly faded from life to death right in front of my glazed over loving eyes. I suppose the heavy rain, wind and cold air had a factor in this, but in a way I feel guilty. And if I take a moment to really feel that guilt, it should be celebrated. For I should not feel guilty, this is life.

I have suffered many deaths in the past year and a half. As a reaction I feel guilt. Perhaps not immediately or as a direct result, but I have learned that my nature is plainly guilt. As with my dead plants yesterday riping them from their own dying roots i felt guilt. As losing someone or something I truly love, ultimately guilt. Not being able to process, not being able to let myself feel sadness and grieve and GO ON. Thinking that things could have been different or if I just said or did that one thing. Just guilt and letting in settle into the depths of my gut, until recently, when I realized that it is not my fault that there is death. To worry and feel blame over death sounds so ridiculous, how could that be my fault? It seem so clear now. It's like trying "to eat an elephant", never getting a bite. Never even tasting it is that you are so dreadfully trying to experience. It's all about the present. All about what IS right now. Right now there is a new breed carefully nestled beneath the enriched second season soil, full of life ready to give to the next generation, that will bring new color and then slowly fade to brown. Leaving behind its strain in the same soil that was left for it.

one begins and one ends

This man is Mr. Norman Perry. Today is his funeral. He will be buried at the cemetery just up the street about a football fields lengths away. I only knew him about one year but i learned a lot from him. Like how to bet the spread on a game. He was someone I looked forward to talking to everyday, and missed when he wasn't around. Now he will always be around, about a fields length away.

Rest in Peace my friend. Thank you for everything.

All of his friends and family will "pay their respects" today for this man as they watch him be lowered into his eternal bed. I am going to hit the links instead and he will be with me. I will remember him as the golfer, the gambler, and the great friend he was to me.

"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round." - Ben Hogan

. . . not only did you smell the roses, you grew them . . . i love you for that.