good dirt

I planted tulip bulbs yesterday. I ripped out plants that have slowly deceased over the (2) winter months (we have here in California). Plants that have slowly faded from life to death right in front of my glazed over loving eyes. I suppose the heavy rain, wind and cold air had a factor in this, but in a way I feel guilty. And if I take a moment to really feel that guilt, it should be celebrated. For I should not feel guilty, this is life.

I have suffered many deaths in the past year and a half. As a reaction I feel guilt. Perhaps not immediately or as a direct result, but I have learned that my nature is plainly guilt. As with my dead plants yesterday riping them from their own dying roots i felt guilt. As losing someone or something I truly love, ultimately guilt. Not being able to process, not being able to let myself feel sadness and grieve and GO ON. Thinking that things could have been different or if I just said or did that one thing. Just guilt and letting in settle into the depths of my gut, until recently, when I realized that it is not my fault that there is death. To worry and feel blame over death sounds so ridiculous, how could that be my fault? It seem so clear now. It's like trying "to eat an elephant", never getting a bite. Never even tasting it is that you are so dreadfully trying to experience. It's all about the present. All about what IS right now. Right now there is a new breed carefully nestled beneath the enriched second season soil, full of life ready to give to the next generation, that will bring new color and then slowly fade to brown. Leaving behind its strain in the same soil that was left for it.